Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce;smooth and sophisticated."

The second said, "Mine is like a porsche; fast andpowerful."

The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."
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Olympic Condoms...

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There is three colors", he replies, "Gold,Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?",she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course, " says the man proudly. The wife responds wryly, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

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The Immaculate Conception...
A seventy-five year old guy, his hair is completely white, marries a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant. Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward.

He says to the nurse, "Well, how'd I do?" The nurse says, "She had twins." He says, "Heh, heh, heh ... well, I guess that goes to show, that even if there's snow on the roof, therecan still be fire in the furnace."

She says, "Well, then you'd better change filters.Both of the babies are black. '

Register #5
A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten toget condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could havesome brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of himand called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms,Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and likemost of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he toohad forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could havesome brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn'tknow. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom, andsaid, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female,so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he neededsome condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze,then picked up the intercom, and said... "Cleanup, register 5!"

The Hippie and the Nun...

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the frontseat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she wouldhave sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politelydeclines and gets off the bus at the next stop. When the bus starts on its way the driver says to the hippie,"I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you".
The hippie says that he'd love to know,so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. Ifyou went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you.
The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnightsure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middleof praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "IAM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep hervirginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.
After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha,Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"