The messages we receive about sex from our parents, the media, and our educational, social, and religious institutions tend to be contradictory, and often downright false. One way to combat the lies we’re told about sex is to start cataloguing them. Below is a very incomplete list of some of the biggest lies we’re told about sex.
Sex is genetic: it’s the puppet-master and we’re lucky to be getting our strings pulled now and then.Because procreation is tied to our species survival, evolutionary scientists and pop psychologists alike argue that the most important understanding of sexuality is the one that links our sexual behavior to procreation. Thus we are told that male sexuality is voracious and dangerous, that female sexuality is a side effect of the need for women to have babies, and that the psychological, emotional, and spiritual aspects of sexuality are not as important as the genetic ones.
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Take our on-line assessment and find out.www.womentowomen.comThere is clearly a genetic component to sex, but that doesn’t mean that this is either the most useful, or “truest” perspective from which to think about our sexuality.
Sex is natural and simple: you should just know how to do it.Sex is natural, we’re told, because we have to do it to survive. But this doesn’t accurately describe what human sexuality has become. Intercourse may be instinctual for some (but clearly not all) of us, but sexuality is much more than intercourse, and none of it actually comes easily. It’s it strange that we are taught how to perform most other basic human behaviors (how to eat, how to communicate, how to go to the bathroom) and as we get older we learn the more complicated ones (how to read, write, drive a car, work) and yet we’re just supposed to know how to have sex.
Sex is gender: men are from sex crazed mars women are from soft and romantic venus.This lie takes many forms:
Women just want to cuddle, men want to have raunchy sex.
Women are sexual communicators, men can’t talk about their sexual feelings.
”Real sex” takes place between a man and a woman.
Men and women can’t ever be friends, sex always gets in the way.
Men want sex all the time, and women don’t.
Men are more visual than women when it comes to sexual arousal. All of these are variations on the big double-shot sex lie; that sex is 100 percent tied to our gender, and we are all only one gender. The fact is that how we think about, feel about, and actually have sex is infinitely more complicated than which door we walk through in a public washroom.
Sex is spontaneous: don’t talk about it, just do it.When you think of it, this lie about sex doesn’t make any sense. If sex is meant to be something fun and exciting, something that makes you feel good about your body and yourself, makes you feel loved and attended to, why would planning for sex ever be a bad thing? Wouldn’t it actually be nice to know you’re going to get to have sex at the end of a particularly hard day? Yet we’re told that the most exciting sex is the sex that “just happens”. In reality sex rarely “just happens”. It’s true that many couples never talk about sex beforehand, but that doesn’t mean that one (or more likely both) partners aren’t thinking about it, wondering when they’re going to have it next, and fantasizing about what kind of sex it will be.
Bigger is better, more is better…better is better.These statements are true for some people, some of the time. The specific lie we’re told is that these things are true for everyone, all of the time. In reality people have size preferences that change depending on their mood and what sort of sex they want to have. Similarly, we all have different levels of sexual desire, and these levels can change throughout the month, and over the years. Finally, there is a more contemporary lie that tells us we should always be reaching for better sex, trying new things, pushing ourselves and our partners to attain new heights of great sex. Some researchers have pointed out that this competitive attitude can have the opposite effect, making us anxious and on edge about the sex we’re having.
Showing posts with label Help Men. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Help Men. Show all posts
Thursday, January 18, 2007
questions
Top Ten Sex Questions of 2006
What are people really thinking about sex? When they can ask sex questions and get answers with anonymity, what do they really want to know?
Taking the sexual pulse of any society is near impossible. How can we distinguish media hype from actual experience when so few people talk openly and honestly about their sex lives, and even fewer people in power want to hear about it?
One small window for me into the world of the over 29 million of you who visit About.com each month is when I look at the traffic in the sex question and answer section on this site, where people write in their questions, and many more read the questions and answers I publish. Looking over this years most popular topics, I was not surprised to find penis size questions take up two spots. But I was pleasantly surprised at the breadth of topics most people were interested. From anatomy to technique, and from safer sex to sexual pleasure, considered as a whole, these top ten questions give me plenty of hope for the state of sexual inquiries in 2007.
1. How do I find my PC Muscle?
2. Can you alter the taste of your vagina?
3. Does penis size matter?
4. Is oral sex risky?
5. What is average penis size?
6. Why does sex hurt?
7. Can men have multiple orgasms?
8. Where is my g spot?
9. What are toxic sex toys?
10. Is watching porn okay?
Got a sex question for 2007? Email me here and I’ll do my best to answer it or point you to someone who can.
What are people really thinking about sex? When they can ask sex questions and get answers with anonymity, what do they really want to know?
Taking the sexual pulse of any society is near impossible. How can we distinguish media hype from actual experience when so few people talk openly and honestly about their sex lives, and even fewer people in power want to hear about it?
One small window for me into the world of the over 29 million of you who visit About.com each month is when I look at the traffic in the sex question and answer section on this site, where people write in their questions, and many more read the questions and answers I publish. Looking over this years most popular topics, I was not surprised to find penis size questions take up two spots. But I was pleasantly surprised at the breadth of topics most people were interested. From anatomy to technique, and from safer sex to sexual pleasure, considered as a whole, these top ten questions give me plenty of hope for the state of sexual inquiries in 2007.
1. How do I find my PC Muscle?
2. Can you alter the taste of your vagina?
3. Does penis size matter?
4. Is oral sex risky?
5. What is average penis size?
6. Why does sex hurt?
7. Can men have multiple orgasms?
8. Where is my g spot?
9. What are toxic sex toys?
10. Is watching porn okay?
Got a sex question for 2007? Email me here and I’ll do my best to answer it or point you to someone who can.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Wrong moves for men
41 Things Guys Do Wrong During Sex
1) Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING.You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES.Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a dogie toy isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
1 GOING TOO FAST.When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD.If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
20) COMING TOO SOON.Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
25) NOT SHAVING PT.2Men seem to like women to be shaved down below. That's fine. But women like that too. That doesn't mean you have to shave it bare (although, that would be nice), but at least keep it neat and trimmed. There's nothing that turns a girl off more than looking at a penis sticking out of a forest.
26) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.
27) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just liethere. And don't grab her head.
28) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
29) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
30) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.
31) TAKING PICTURES.When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
32) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
33) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
34) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
35) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.
36) GIVING LOVE BITES.It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
37) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
3 TALKING DIRTY.It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.
39) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
40) SQUASHING HER.Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit tooheavily, she will turn blue.
41) THANKING HER.Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen
1) Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING.You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES.Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a dogie toy isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
1 GOING TOO FAST.When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD.If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
20) COMING TOO SOON.Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
25) NOT SHAVING PT.2Men seem to like women to be shaved down below. That's fine. But women like that too. That doesn't mean you have to shave it bare (although, that would be nice), but at least keep it neat and trimmed. There's nothing that turns a girl off more than looking at a penis sticking out of a forest.
26) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.
27) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just liethere. And don't grab her head.
28) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
29) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
30) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.
31) TAKING PICTURES.When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
32) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
33) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
34) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
35) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.
36) GIVING LOVE BITES.It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
37) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
3 TALKING DIRTY.It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.
39) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
40) SQUASHING HER.Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit tooheavily, she will turn blue.
41) THANKING HER.Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
SPEAK UP
Guys can be so confused as what to do when it comes to sex and pleasing their partner. Ladies why do some of us hold out and NOT tell our partner or partners what feels good, what we like, what we are interested in doing or accomplishing??
See their frustration? I feel it.
Some flat out don't care, as long as they get to squirt, they're content. Well, what about us being content?
SPEAK UP...write it down in a letter and mail it to him at work, send him a text message or email if your bashful. Some guys really connect with the alone moment (most of them are so visual). They can picture and get aroused when they read this stuff alone or even if a friend is around, then they feel NAUGHTY. This NAUGHTY feeling can stay with them all day and they may want to please you FIRST!
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