Register #5
A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten toget condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could havesome brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of himand called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms,Register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and likemost of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he toohad forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could havesome brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn'tknow. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom, andsaid, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female,so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he neededsome condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze,then picked up the intercom, and said... "Cleanup, register 5!"
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
The Hippie and the Nun...
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the frontseat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she wouldhave sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politelydeclines and gets off the bus at the next stop. When the bus starts on its way the driver says to the hippie,"I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you".
The hippie says that he'd love to know,so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. Ifyou went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you.
The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnightsure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middleof praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "IAM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep hervirginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.
After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha,Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the frontseat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she wouldhave sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politelydeclines and gets off the bus at the next stop. When the bus starts on its way the driver says to the hippie,"I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you".
The hippie says that he'd love to know,so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. Ifyou went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you.
The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnightsure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middleof praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "IAM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep hervirginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.
After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha,Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Oh YEAH!!!
Preface: I have no reservations about teaching women to use an electric vibrator, especially if she's never had an orgasm.
The strong, consistent stimulation from these massage machines can make up for years of sensory deprivation. The general fear about using a vibrator is not being able to have "normal sex" whatever that means. I urge women to let go of their romantic notions about getting every orgasms from a lover, and I urge men to let go of proving their good in bed by giving a woman her orgasm. Instead, couples can bring a variety of sextoys into the bedroom. They'll have a lot more fun as sex becomes more playful. (Betty Dobson)
1. Genital Massage
Maintain an ongoing visual relationship with your genitals, and begin some selfloving sessions in front of a free standing mirror. Trimming and shaping your pubic hair can give you a heightened awareness and appreciation of your genitals. Oil and massage the entire area, pull back the hood to expose your clitoris. Then, spread your inner and outer labia, and admire the beauty and design of your vulva.
2. Using the PC Muscle
The PC or Pubococcygeus muscle goes around the anus, across the entire pelvic floor, and attaches in front to the pubic bone on both women and men. To locate this muscle, simply stop the flow of urine. A weak PC muscle will result in urinary incontinence. To keep your PC muscle toned, consciously squeeze and release it during masturbation and partnersex to intensify each orgasm. These contractions can be felt in the anus, vagina, clitoris, and penis.
3. Vaginal Penetration
I feel it's important to do some form of regular penetration to aerate the vaginal barrel, stimulate lubrication, and to moisturize the vaginal interior with natural cold pressed oils. Although I'm not motivated to learn how to ejaculate, I love squeezing my PC muscle on a dildo especially when I put pressure on my urethral sponge, or Female Prostate Gland. I prefer these names over G-Spot because they're less confusing.
4. Breathing
Like any other athletic activity, achieving orgasm requires taking in plenty of oxygen to fuel a body in motion. Building up sexual excitement and pumping blood into your genitals means breathing fully, especially when close to orgasm. There are many different breathing patterns. The most basic method is simply taking air in through your nose and exhaling out your mouth while making sounds of pleasure.
5. Pelvic Movement
Experiment with different rhythms as you masturbate to music. Sex is the dance of love so move your body, tensing and releasing different muscles, circling the hips, and thrusting with small motions or full pelvic swings. Gentle pelvic rocking can be perpetual motion throughout a selfloving session. Right after orgasm, your body naturally trembles and snaps with the after shocks and waves of pleasure.
6. Clitoral Stimulation
Using plenty of lubrication, start off with manual clitoral stimulation and then move onto the electric vibrator which is the strongest form of stimulation. To last longer, use a washcloth over your clitoris to cushion the vibes. Vary the rhythm and the pressure on your clitoris, keeping a light touch until the very end just before climaxing. When you have sex with your partner, bring your vibrator for a threesome.
7. Combining All Elements with Sexual Fantasy
Slow penetration, rhythmically squeezing the PC muscle, rocking the pelvis, and breathing out loud while using some form of clitoral stimulation will be different for each individual. Exploring your mind for erotic images, hot memories, or making up sexy stories heightens selfloving. Remember, variety and diversity spice up everyone's sexlife.
The strong, consistent stimulation from these massage machines can make up for years of sensory deprivation. The general fear about using a vibrator is not being able to have "normal sex" whatever that means. I urge women to let go of their romantic notions about getting every orgasms from a lover, and I urge men to let go of proving their good in bed by giving a woman her orgasm. Instead, couples can bring a variety of sextoys into the bedroom. They'll have a lot more fun as sex becomes more playful. (Betty Dobson)
1. Genital Massage
Maintain an ongoing visual relationship with your genitals, and begin some selfloving sessions in front of a free standing mirror. Trimming and shaping your pubic hair can give you a heightened awareness and appreciation of your genitals. Oil and massage the entire area, pull back the hood to expose your clitoris. Then, spread your inner and outer labia, and admire the beauty and design of your vulva.
2. Using the PC Muscle
The PC or Pubococcygeus muscle goes around the anus, across the entire pelvic floor, and attaches in front to the pubic bone on both women and men. To locate this muscle, simply stop the flow of urine. A weak PC muscle will result in urinary incontinence. To keep your PC muscle toned, consciously squeeze and release it during masturbation and partnersex to intensify each orgasm. These contractions can be felt in the anus, vagina, clitoris, and penis.
3. Vaginal Penetration
I feel it's important to do some form of regular penetration to aerate the vaginal barrel, stimulate lubrication, and to moisturize the vaginal interior with natural cold pressed oils. Although I'm not motivated to learn how to ejaculate, I love squeezing my PC muscle on a dildo especially when I put pressure on my urethral sponge, or Female Prostate Gland. I prefer these names over G-Spot because they're less confusing.
4. Breathing
Like any other athletic activity, achieving orgasm requires taking in plenty of oxygen to fuel a body in motion. Building up sexual excitement and pumping blood into your genitals means breathing fully, especially when close to orgasm. There are many different breathing patterns. The most basic method is simply taking air in through your nose and exhaling out your mouth while making sounds of pleasure.
5. Pelvic Movement
Experiment with different rhythms as you masturbate to music. Sex is the dance of love so move your body, tensing and releasing different muscles, circling the hips, and thrusting with small motions or full pelvic swings. Gentle pelvic rocking can be perpetual motion throughout a selfloving session. Right after orgasm, your body naturally trembles and snaps with the after shocks and waves of pleasure.
6. Clitoral Stimulation
Using plenty of lubrication, start off with manual clitoral stimulation and then move onto the electric vibrator which is the strongest form of stimulation. To last longer, use a washcloth over your clitoris to cushion the vibes. Vary the rhythm and the pressure on your clitoris, keeping a light touch until the very end just before climaxing. When you have sex with your partner, bring your vibrator for a threesome.
7. Combining All Elements with Sexual Fantasy
Slow penetration, rhythmically squeezing the PC muscle, rocking the pelvis, and breathing out loud while using some form of clitoral stimulation will be different for each individual. Exploring your mind for erotic images, hot memories, or making up sexy stories heightens selfloving. Remember, variety and diversity spice up everyone's sexlife.
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Ten Keys to Happiness
Deepak Chopra
Physical well being is inseparable from emotional well being. Happy people are healthy people.The wisdom traditions of the world tell us that happiness does not depend on what you have, but on who you are. As we begin the New Year, it may be worthwhile to reflect on what really creates happiness in us.
The following ten keys may give us some insight.
1. Listen to your body's wisdom, which expresses itself through signals of comfort and discomfort. When choosing a certain behavior, ask your body,How do you feel about this? If your body sends a signal of physical or emotional distress,watch out. If your body sends a signal of comfort and eagerness, proceed.
2. Live in the present, for it is the only moment you have. Keep your attention on what is here and now; look for the fullness in every moment. Accept what comes to you totally and completely so that you canappreciate it, learn from it, and then let it go. The present is as it should be. It reflects infinite laws of Nature that have brought you this exact thought, this exact physical response. This moment is as it is because the universe is as it is. Don't struggle against the infinit scheme of things; instead, be at one with it.
3. Take time to be silent, to meditate, to quiet the internal dialogue. In moments of silence, realize that you are recontacting your source of pure awareness. Pay attention to your inner life so that you can be guided by intuition rather than externally imposed interpretations of what is or isn't good for you.
4. Relinquish your need for external approval. You alone are the judge of your worth, and your goal is to discover infinite worth in yourself, no matter what anyone else thinks. There is great freedom in this realization.
5. When you find yourself reacting with anger or opposition to any person or circumstance, realize that you are only struggling with yourself. Putting up resistance is the response of defenses created by old hurts. When you relinquish this anger, you will be healing yourself and cooperating with the flow of the universe.
6. Know that the world 'out there' reflects your reality 'in here.' The people you react to most strongly, whether with love or hate, are projections of your inner world. What you most hate is what you most deny in yourself. What you most love is what you most wish for in yourself. Use the mirror of relationships to guide your evolution. The goal is total self-knowledge. When you achieve that, what you most want will automatically be there, and what you most dislike will disappear.
7. Shed the burden of judgment and you will feel much lighter. Judgment imposes right and wrong on situations that just are. Everything can be understood and forgiven, but when you judge, you cut off understanding and shut down the process of learning to love. In judging others, you reflect your lack of self-acceptance. Remember that every person you forgive adds to your self-love.
8. Don't contaminate your body with toxins, either through food, drink, or toxic emotions. Your body is more than a life-support system. It is the vehicle that will carry you on the journey of your evolution. The health of every cell directly contributes to your state of well being, because every cell is a point of awareness within the field of awareness that is you.
9. Replace fear-motivated behavior with love-motivated behavior. Fear is the product of memory, which dwells in the past. Remembering what hurt us before, we direct our energies toward making certain that an old hurt will not repeat itself. But trying to impose the past on the present will never wipe out the threat of being hurt. That happens only when you find the security of your own being, which is love. Motivated by the truth inside you, you can face any threat because your inner strength is invulnerable to fear.
10. Understand that the physical world is just a mirror of a deeper intelligence. Intelligence is the invisible organizer of all matter and energy, and since a portion of this intelligence resides in you, you share in the organizing power of the cosmos. Because you are inseparably linked to everything, you cannot afford to foul the planet's air and water. But at a deeper level, you cannot afford to live with a toxic mind, because every thought makes an impression on the whole field of intelligence. Living in balance and purity is the highest good for you and the Earth.
Deepak Chopra
Physical well being is inseparable from emotional well being. Happy people are healthy people.The wisdom traditions of the world tell us that happiness does not depend on what you have, but on who you are. As we begin the New Year, it may be worthwhile to reflect on what really creates happiness in us.
The following ten keys may give us some insight.
1. Listen to your body's wisdom, which expresses itself through signals of comfort and discomfort. When choosing a certain behavior, ask your body,How do you feel about this? If your body sends a signal of physical or emotional distress,watch out. If your body sends a signal of comfort and eagerness, proceed.
2. Live in the present, for it is the only moment you have. Keep your attention on what is here and now; look for the fullness in every moment. Accept what comes to you totally and completely so that you canappreciate it, learn from it, and then let it go. The present is as it should be. It reflects infinite laws of Nature that have brought you this exact thought, this exact physical response. This moment is as it is because the universe is as it is. Don't struggle against the infinit scheme of things; instead, be at one with it.
3. Take time to be silent, to meditate, to quiet the internal dialogue. In moments of silence, realize that you are recontacting your source of pure awareness. Pay attention to your inner life so that you can be guided by intuition rather than externally imposed interpretations of what is or isn't good for you.
4. Relinquish your need for external approval. You alone are the judge of your worth, and your goal is to discover infinite worth in yourself, no matter what anyone else thinks. There is great freedom in this realization.
5. When you find yourself reacting with anger or opposition to any person or circumstance, realize that you are only struggling with yourself. Putting up resistance is the response of defenses created by old hurts. When you relinquish this anger, you will be healing yourself and cooperating with the flow of the universe.
6. Know that the world 'out there' reflects your reality 'in here.' The people you react to most strongly, whether with love or hate, are projections of your inner world. What you most hate is what you most deny in yourself. What you most love is what you most wish for in yourself. Use the mirror of relationships to guide your evolution. The goal is total self-knowledge. When you achieve that, what you most want will automatically be there, and what you most dislike will disappear.
7. Shed the burden of judgment and you will feel much lighter. Judgment imposes right and wrong on situations that just are. Everything can be understood and forgiven, but when you judge, you cut off understanding and shut down the process of learning to love. In judging others, you reflect your lack of self-acceptance. Remember that every person you forgive adds to your self-love.
8. Don't contaminate your body with toxins, either through food, drink, or toxic emotions. Your body is more than a life-support system. It is the vehicle that will carry you on the journey of your evolution. The health of every cell directly contributes to your state of well being, because every cell is a point of awareness within the field of awareness that is you.
9. Replace fear-motivated behavior with love-motivated behavior. Fear is the product of memory, which dwells in the past. Remembering what hurt us before, we direct our energies toward making certain that an old hurt will not repeat itself. But trying to impose the past on the present will never wipe out the threat of being hurt. That happens only when you find the security of your own being, which is love. Motivated by the truth inside you, you can face any threat because your inner strength is invulnerable to fear.
10. Understand that the physical world is just a mirror of a deeper intelligence. Intelligence is the invisible organizer of all matter and energy, and since a portion of this intelligence resides in you, you share in the organizing power of the cosmos. Because you are inseparably linked to everything, you cannot afford to foul the planet's air and water. But at a deeper level, you cannot afford to live with a toxic mind, because every thought makes an impression on the whole field of intelligence. Living in balance and purity is the highest good for you and the Earth.
Friday, February 2, 2007
tissue?
Women Vs. Public Restroom.
Questions are answered. Now men will know...
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women,so you smile politely and take your place.Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stallis occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the womanleaving the stall.You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, nodoubt) is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, ifthere were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly drape itaround your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on theFLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seator lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discoverto be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear yourmother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you wouldhave KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday the onethat's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in thepuffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The doorhits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest,and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet."Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious,tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footingaltogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet ofcourse.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom hasmade contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seatbecause YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even ifyou had taken time to try.You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because,you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because,frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confusedthat it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose that somehowsucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paperdispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you give up.You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You'rexhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket andthen slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors,so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past theline of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely tothem.A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet papertrailing from your shoe. ( Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here,you just might need this."As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and leftthe men's restroom.
Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom(rest??? you've got to be kidding!!).
It finally explains to the men whatreally does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly askedquestion about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other galcan hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under thedoor.So now you know. :'(
Questions are answered. Now men will know...
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women,so you smile politely and take your place.Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stallis occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the womanleaving the stall.You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, nodoubt) is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, ifthere were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly drape itaround your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on theFLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seator lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discoverto be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear yourmother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you wouldhave KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday the onethat's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in thepuffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The doorhits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest,and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet."Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious,tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footingaltogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet ofcourse.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom hasmade contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seatbecause YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even ifyou had taken time to try.You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because,you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because,frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confusedthat it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose that somehowsucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paperdispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you give up.You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You'rexhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket andthen slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors,so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past theline of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely tothem.A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet papertrailing from your shoe. ( Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here,you just might need this."As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and leftthe men's restroom.
Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom(rest??? you've got to be kidding!!).
It finally explains to the men whatreally does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly askedquestion about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other galcan hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under thedoor.So now you know. :'(
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